In most social situations, I am the mean dark skin girl. I assert my aggression because I am assuming that people are sizing me up as the ugly dark skin friend. In many instances, I feel as though my aggression and spite is involuntary. I wouldn’t like to conclude that I have colorism issues but I will say that I have issues with my own skin. When my friends with lighter skin are around, I turn into wallpaper; boys ignore me and I have to assume it’s not only because I’m ugly but also because I’m unfavorable due to my skin complexion. It is utterly frustrating to have this much anger trapped within me over the darker hue of my skin. The thing is, i’d like to believe that 2018 is progressive and accepting, however, when I look into what most men choose as their preference it’s always a fair skinned, racially ambiguous, loosely curl patterned woman. I’m tired, I’m disappointed, I’m tired of being undesired. Please offer me something to ponder on?

Response: Victoria here! I’m no doctor but I am going to have to diagnose you with a case of colorism and lack of self- acceptance. Having darker skin, I can relate to what you are feeling. For a while, I also felt inferior because of my skin and hair texture. I felt ugly and undesired. However, a pivotal moment in my life changed all of that. I had to change my mindset. I had to fully embrace my rich skin and hair kinks. I had to understand that while yes, some may perpetuate a standard of light skin and loose curls, I desired myself and that I would eventually be desired by someone else as well.

I also realized that I was seeking validation from others to approve of my beauty and worth, and that was probably the biggest mistake and flaw in my mindset. If you sit around waiting for others to validate you, you will be waiting forever. Seeking validation from men will also cause you a world of trouble. Our generation is so hung up on having a relationship and being desired by someone that we lose sight of desiring ourselves. You are whole and enough by yourself. You do not need a man to affirm your beauty and worth. You must validate yourself in its entirety.

Drop the seed of confidence into your fertile and dehydrated soul and water it. Wake up in the morning and verbally affirm your worth and beauty. Set reminders on your phone. Write these affirmations on sticky notes and place them on your bathroom mirror.

Also, I find that we often self- alienate ourselves. We think others have this perception of us so we automatically jump into a turtle shell to prevent attacks that rarely come. Banish the thought that everyone hates you, thinks you are ugly and is out to get you! Being bitter, mean, and aggressive is only hurting you more. Bitterness is what holds a lot of women back in life whether it be career pursuits or love life pursuits. Those traits and feelings are heavy and those around you can feel them. If someone feels that energy and stays away because of it, you could be blocking a potential blessing all because you have this preconceived notion that you are undesired. Personally, people’s inner selves play a huge role in how I view them on the outside. Being bitter and ugly on the inside doesn’t help your outward appearance and how you come off to others. You glo different when you love yourself. You radiate a beauty and energy that will be intoxicatingly beautiful and power for yourself and to others. You must release those feelings and qualities and become softer. You cannot receive anything into your mind or soul if they are closed.

The demon of comparison is also alive and you need to banish that immediately. I went through a phase where I compared my hair texture, skin, and beauty to others. My biggest issue was social media. If you find that you are scrolling on the timeline and continuously comparing yourself to someone else, maybe you need to clean up what’s showing up on your feed or take a break from social media all together.

I pray these words help you on your journey to self acceptance. Understand that growth is necessary but it isn’t easy. Take it one day at a time. Just keep pushing towards the end goal. I would love to hear your progress and realizations in the coming month, so please reach out! Best wishes,

BGC