The Family I Want...and the Family I Actually Have

I wish I was born into a family that did more to build bonds than keep up appearances. The older I get, the more I realize that nobody in my family is particularly close to one another. My parents to their siblings and vice versa - they all show up for family functions, but nobody gets together just because. My parents to their parents - my parents are young and can't relate to their parents, who can't seem to understand why their kids aren't as successful as they are. Then, there's me to all of them. I went to school out of state, and that's where I grew into the woman I am today. I try to introduce her to an aunt here, a grandfather there, but nobody seems ready to accept her.

I'm the youngest, and exciting, and I have so much to share...but just from gleaning conversations over dinner or in the family group chat, I know who I am will be received pretty reluctantly. I'm a writer, pro-weed, pro-choice, probably a democratic socialist, definitely not a virgin, sometimes attracted to women, oftentimes a cheap wine connoisseur, and my career is taking me to exciting places. So I'm fantastic. And aside from my mom, they don't know anything about any of it.

It's hard to let people in when they're already not being themselves. I've got family shoved so far back into the closet they probably smell like moth balls. Sexual assaults committed by extended family members that were only learned through hushed whispers. Deaths where the blood of those who took their lives lie on everybody's hands, no matter how much we want to blame it on the devil. Nobody talks about it, so I don't feel safe with them.

In my wildest dreams, I would have a family member that I could absolutely trust with my secrets (even my mom can't fulfill this need, I learned the hard way). There would be no judgement, or unrealistic expectations, or projections. I wouldn't have to hide my tattoos or piercings. I wouldn't feel awkward drinking with the adults at dinner because, hellooooo I'm an adult too. It would be different, and one day when I start my own family, it will be.