I fall in love with personalities and spirits. If we vibe well, can talk for hours, put each other on to new music, and both love to eat, there is a strong possibility that I will take a liking to that person, whether they have prostate or a monthly visit from mother nature.
I’ve always found girls attractive from a young age. Yes, boys were handsome and I fantasized about them, but girls were so soft and pretty. I found myself attractive, so I figured that’s why I found other girls attractive, too. My interest in both sexes grew with age. By high school, I was flirting with a girl who had beautiful locs that swam down her back, while also daydreaming about the boy in 3rd period with the rich skin and calf muscles that made me want to run a mile. This was me. I knew a time would come when I would eventually fall in love with one or the other and of course I chose the complicated path - I fell in love with both at the same time.
The boy had luscious curls that I would run my fingers through until he fell asleep and the girl lived in the same dorm hall as me which meant my bed was also hers. Don’t denounce me as not shit quite yet! I wholeheartedly take responsibility for my actions yet my heart was pulled in two different directions.
See, being in love with a black woman and man at the same time is the best of both worlds but also hell on the earth. It was similar to enjoying silky, straight hair but having to deal with heat damage after. I got the masculine side that put me in my place when my attitude broke the scale and I had the nurturing side that understood my mindset and emotions as a woman. The sex was great on both ends.
"Have the courage to understand your feelings and go with what makes you heart do somersaults through a field of sunflowers."
Yet, in any situation, one of the people you are going in between is always going to feel for you deeper. That party happened to be the girl. I attribute her deep love and affection to her being a woman. Black women are rich pots of love made from the warmth of sunlight, the ebb and flow of water on earth, and a wanting to truly allow their partners to use them as diaries (shoutout to Alicia Keys for that forever powerful song). I was so caught up in trying to fit the mold of the Black American Christian girl who has to be heterosexual to please others, that I missed out on something that was genuinely real. No doubt, I had very strong emotions for this boy but the feeling's not mutual, just like my feelings became less mutual for the girl as I strived to conform with society.
Black women, if you find yourself in between a man or a woman, I pray you do not pass up on something spectacular due to denial or unsurity. Have the courage to understand your feelings and go with what makes you heart do somersaults through a field of sunflowers. Black women, do not be afraid to love in fear of people’s expectations or opinions. Love yourself and whoever YOU choose to love.
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