I wish this story included me sitting on my grandfather’s lap, as he recounted the first time he laid eyes on my grandmother. I would love to describe how my dad boasted of the moment when he knew he would marry my mother. But, I can’t talk about what I don’t know. My dad left when I was 10 and my grandfather died about 10 years before I was born. All of this lead me to be pretty obsessed with a very unrealistic and surface notion of black love. I binged movies like Love and Basketball, Love Jones, Drumline, and my absolute favorite Brown Sugar. I just knew if I could find that right black guy at the right time, I could have a happy ending. I could escape my family’s fate of being a lonely woman.
"I starved myself to feed that relationship, because for the first time in my life, there was a black man loving me."
I didn’t date in high school because I was, and still am, socially awkward. I also lacked confidence. Most importantly, I was transitioning. So ya girl was kinda ugly. But by the end of senior year, I had shoulder length hair and curves in the right places. I was ready for love. *India Arie music begins*
So, when I came to Hampton and met this tall and gorgeous rich chocolate-colored man, I was all in. I was so in love with our aesthetic. We sounded good on paper and we looked even better. We were smart, from the South and just so cute. We vibed on a level I couldn’t have even dreamed of. But, I overlooked major differences to keep this union alive. I starved myself to feed that relationship, because for the first time in my life, there was a black man loving me. I couldn’t bare the thought of letting that go. So I didn’t. I held on tightly. I held on so tight that when I finally let go, there was almost nothing remaining. At the end of our time together, all I thought I had was myself and I thought that was not enough. For a long time this sense of longing lingered. One day it was less apparent, the next even less. Instead of this intense pain, I just felt hollow.
But it was here in this empty place that I found true love. Me as a black woman, loving myself fully in the midst of flaws and failure that, is black love too. I will celebrate it as such.
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